I molested 6 butterflies tonight
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
