After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
