then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
