when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
