She tied me up with her honor cords...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
