I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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