she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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