Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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