Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
