i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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