Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
