Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So much Jack, so little girl.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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