if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
