My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
