Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
