weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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