Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
