HIV tests are more positive than that guy
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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