I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
