Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
