Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
