I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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