i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
