My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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