I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
