Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
