it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
