If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
