Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
