A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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