Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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