She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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