: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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