When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
