6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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