Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Bring me that man meat
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
