everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
