why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
