By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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