I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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