I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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