Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
