Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
