I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
