She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
