god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
