Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How external is "for external use only"?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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