i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
