This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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