I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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