I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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