I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
